Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Fathering My Son

Gaelen September 2002 (13 months)

My relationship with Gaelen is undergoing a metamorphosis. A chrysalis it is this change from Sunday 2 hour dad who played exclusively with him to 24/7 guy sending him to his room after another of his angry outbursts when not getting his way. I feel deeply that this kind of discipline is not right but am at a loss...I only know how I reacted to my own father and family and that is certainly, aside from the moving alot part, different than Gaelen’s experience. A high percentage of his weepiness is contrived for affect but there is an authenticity of feeling which stuns me with what is mirrored back to me.

How can he be so much like me considering the lack of suitable time he has spent with me...or do we mirror each other in the moment...it was solely play and accommodating Gaelen during the 2 hour and half-days...now daddy has Ambiana and Colleen and work...singlemommyness addicted him to a glut of attention, he believes himself to be starving when he doesn't have not everyone but anyone’s complete attention, sees attention being given to other than him and boom he is there trying to suck some of it up, alonetime is terror for him as I found out this morning when I commanded him to his room for 5 minutes to think about what he has said (did i really say that??? what the f*ck? mmmmmmmmhhhh maybe try 5 minutes meditation next time (4bothofus).

wake up time is morning snuggly time with Colleen and Ambiana, then morning stretch time to get the chi-qi-force flowing, then yum breakfast time...then a morning task...tomorrow is computer time then when Colleen goes to work its outside time with G and ambiana, then magic show at library, a fire by the river and bread-making in there somewhere...